AKA where I write like I'm Richard Littlejohn
I like my money. It helps me buy stuff. It lets me live the way I want to. So why should I give it away? When did that become a good idea? I don't mean to charity; there are at least 3 good charities out there that if I were feeling generous I might consider giving a pound to. Amnesty International is one. I'd have to think about the other 2. Most charities are pointless and don't serve any common good. Make A Wish Foundation? Just because a kid has cancer doesn't make him or her. Ore deserving of a trip to Disney. I hated my childhood, I had years of psychological abuse and felt like shit oat of the time, but did I get an all expenses trip to see a pederastical (w mouse? Let's call that child brave. On the same sliding scale where does a broken bone come? Or a cold? Isn't it braver to look after your dying mum than just contract a disease? Braver to run into a burning building than succumb to a genetic mutation? Who decides these things? They should get the medal for their piousness and sleepless nights spent wondering if they've done the right thing in denying Jonny, the kid who ran a marathon to raise money for the local drunk to buy vodka, over Marie, the girl who got a lymphoma? It's three words! Anybody who gets anything in three words shouldn't get a holiday. Give her a mars bar! Let her live her remaining days in sugarific splendour! Immerse her in a bath of chocolate - the effect will last longer.
But don't give a mars bar to the homeless drunk buying vodka. Don't give him anything. He's made that choice. Go get a job you scruffy, smelly git. Where did you get the string from to tie the dog up with? I see the label for Poundstretcher! You've obviously got a fortune stashed away somewhere so don't bother me. Actually, move away. I actually tried to buy food for one once. He turned it down and demanded I go buy him a beer instead. What? I'm not volunteering your liver for suicide, dude. Use your brains. You should be maximising the calories. Ask for Couscous! And a gas heater with water. It's the best food for when you want to eat a million of something! I'd respect you more if I saw less food in dumpsters. Every second it's in there is a second you're proving yourself lazy. How can you be hungry when there's food going spare in the local bin? Nice half bag of chips there. With curry sauce. Yum. I'd pay a lot for that right now. And you want it for free? Workshy tosser.
And yet. Both of these groups are considerably more deserving of my money than people that work in restaurants and bars. Tipping? For bringing me a beer? Work hard on that did you? Long way to the fridge is it? Ooh you've walked a long way today? Unlike the street cleaner? Or the bobby on the beat? Or the countless thousands working in factories? Or warehouses? Or other people doing low paid, shitty work? Oh, you're paid minimum wage? Boo fucking hoo. Lots of people are! They can't move jobs just like you don't want to. You know that book you read last? That 700 page opus? How long do you think it took the author to write? And you only spent £5.99 on it?! You wanker! Would you consider popping a cheque for another few quid in the post if the author was stupid enough to put his address on the back? Maybe he could use a PO BOX? Personally I've always wondered how you go about getting one of those and would consider being an author just to find out. Do the chefs in your kitchen, the guys doing the actual work, in hot, sweaty conditions, getting onions up their nose and citric acid in their wound inflicted hands from all that bloody chopping, share in your tips? Do they complain about it? Not everyone is a Gordon Ramsey you know. Not everyone gets to hand menus out and then - GASP - write down what people say for a living! Id love that job. I could do it right here right now.
"Pollo fritas, por favor"
See how easy that is? Can i have tip? No? Im just doing your job! I worked in a warehouse for six long hateful years on monkey wages and didn't get a single tip. Why should you?
Ps that three year old blind kid in India tugging at my trousers and pointing at his mouth got fuck all so your chances are slim unless you're offering a blowie or other happy ending.